The Dangers of Bread

Yesterday I heard through the grapevine that Climb Kalamazoo was closing down in the next 3 months. Horrified, I went straight there and asked them if what I had heard was true. To my delight, it was a false rumor. Honestly, if it were true I would have died. I don't know what I would have done, because climbing is now that one thing that I look forward to beyond the monotony of life.

I guess I should clarify, it's that one "physical activity" I look forward to. There are many other things I love to do, like see my family and make latte's with Kristen's new espresso machine. And yes, hanging out with her is high on the list, along with my friends, etc. But when I climb, I go to this special place that I can't find anywhere else. It's a magical world that's outside of my body and strictly in my mind, a world of Matt and Strength coming together. My mind goes wherever the mood strikes. Ahhh...

Anyway, I get paid today. Yeeaaal yeah!

The Dangers of Bread

Important warning for those who have been drawn unsuspectingly into the use of bread:

1. More than 98 percent of convicted felons are bread users.

2. Fully HALF of all children who grow up in bread-consuming households score below average on standardized tests.

3. In the 18th century, when virtually all bread was baked in the home, the average life expectancy was less than 50 years; infant mortality rates were unacceptably high; many women died in childbirth; and diseases such as typhoid, yellow fever, and influenza ravaged whole nations.

4. More than 90 percent of violent crimes are committed within 24 hours of eating bread.

5. Bread is made from a substance called "dough." It has been proven that as little as one pound of dough can be used to suffocate a mouse. The average American eats more bread than that in one month!

6. Primitive tribal societies that have no bread exhibit a low incidence of cancer, Alzheimer's, Parkinson's disease, and osteoporosis.

7. Bread has been proven to be addictive. Subjects deprived of bread and given only water to eat begged for bread after as little as two days.

8. Bread has been proven to absorb water. Since the human body is more than 90 percent water, it follows that eating bread could lead to your body being taken over by this absorptive food product, turning you into a soggy, gooey bread-pudding person.

9. Newborn babies can choke on bread.

10. Bread is baked at temperatures as high as 400 degrees Fahrenheit! That kind of heat can kill an adult in less than one minute.